#9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

Ahh, the drifting. That happens a lot in my life. I'm a shitty communicator at times, I suppose. And C-names seem to be the major connection when I think about it; not all of them, but most. Weird. (I'm gonna use initials on some people.)

First up is C.R., who I believe might still peek on here now and again. She's got wings, I swear. That gal is just an angel walking. We tend to go through long periods of silence and then will pick up like nothing ever happened, and slip back into it. There's never any bad blood (that I know of, at least—though she surely has cause to be irritated by my shitty communication skills) and I adore her to bits and pieces and back together again. She's got one of the most golden hearts I've ever had the blessing to encounter. (If you do pop by, I love you, Nose Buddy!)

Next is C.C.E., whom I'm pretty sure has never happened along me anywhere on the tubes. I think he'd get in touch if he had. "Pants" is not my real last name, after all (which is probably good, as my initials would then be SAP, though my Spanish Minor makes that somewhat funny to me….) and I hadn't adopted the name when we were in touch, only within my time here in Texas. Every time I would get back in touch with C.C.E. after a lapse, generally after a dream or series of dreams about him, he would have just gone through a major break up. He noted the last time that it freaked him out a little bit. I wondered if it might be more harmful than good to continue to contact him when my instincts kicked in and sent me C.C.E. dreams, because that was not something I ever wanted. I held my tongue and clickety keyboard fingers silent after that. He got married a bit ago and I'm happy for him; it's what he always wanted. And so I'll continue to let that one drift, as I don't think it would be very respectful of his new wife to get back in touch. I'm very aware of how much I meant to him, which tells me he knows how much he meant to me too. Sometimes it's best to just let it lie, I guess.

I.S.F. was a friend of mine in high school. He was also a friend of C.C.E.'s, though he and I knew each other before I met C.C.E. and remained friends after C.C.E. and I had broken up. I.S.F. was wise beyond his years and I felt very safe with him pretty much from the get-go. We had a falling out when I was in college, for which I will take 99% of the blame. It was silly and certainly not worth the loss, but when it happened, I was also going through myriad other issues in my life. Unfortunately, my friendship with I.S.F. was a casualty of that period, one I truly regret to this day. He emailed me a while ago, apologising for his part in the fall out. I replied that while I appreciated the sentiment, it was my job to apologise and I did so. We haven't talked since; I don't know if we could get back to where we were anyway. From what I understand, he has a wife and kids now and is happy in his life. I'm glad for that. He certainly deserves it. While I've come to terms with the fact that I destroyed a really good thing, I also am glad that I knew him as long and as well as I did.

My final drifter is Christian. Another C name. Truth be told, Christian and I have never met in person and I don't really feel like we've drifted apart, but I feel he should be in this post because we do tend to float in and out of one another's lives. We bonded over our musical tastes (something that I think my entire generation does more than any other generation before or since) and our love of the Stone Roses. Christian is affected by music like I am and because of that, we just kinda "get" each other. He's funny, smart, and an all around awesome guy. I know we've both had "internet crushes" on each other because of how well we clicked—we've acknowledged as much. I believe his wife is even aware of it; I know she knows she's got a good man. And he's head over heels for her too, which makes him even more attractive (though not in a "I'ma get me some of that" way; that's not my style at all). They make an awesome team, those two; I'd happily be their better-fated Xiola. As for Christian, I'll see him next lifetime.

Comments

[C.R.]

I'm here, friend. Always have been, always will be. You are just as much a blessing to me, so feel free to fly on over any time. Love you.

[Christian]

Snurfle.

One of these days I'll get over my fear of Texas and meet you at some dank bar with a tremendous draft beer selection and a jukebox to write home about.

Of course, then that would ruin any mystique I have cultivated over the years when you find out that I am boring and a bad conversationalist in person.

Next life, next life.

[Laura]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1501848067.html

I was suddenly reminded...