no place in the world that could compare

I'm watching the footage; the horrifying, devastating, heart-breaking footage.  I don't know how to describe the feelings I get while watching, especially the amateur footage.  It makes me ache, one that has yet to dull over 9 years, and pull into myself.  I feel raw, but also sometimes like I'm watching through a hole in a wall in front of me, as if I'm locked within a suit of myself, peering out my own eyes from a distance.  Logically, I know what's going on; I know that it's called disassociating.  Physically, it feels nothing like disassociation.  It feels like I'm plugging directly into that energy, connecting with everything and everyone on my television screen, time passage of no consequence.

It all comes back to how I feel I need to be there.  That's my home.  If my heart is going to heal itself, this mystery wound than I cannot explain, it will be there.  Maybe the city and I can heal one another.  Maybe once I'm home, the hollow will dissipate or slowly fill in.  The disconnection is haunting.  I just want to go home and stay there.  I want to be where I belong.

I don't really know how to express everything in my mind clearly.  

I don't know that I really want to.