Day 3: Something I need to forgive myself for.

Something I have to forgive myself for…. Okay, so this is one that made me nervous when I first saw the list and decided to do this. I don't have a history of kindness with myself. I will give the benefit of the doubt to Charles Manson (perhaps not him) but if I even whisper at making a mistake, I go nuclear assault on myself. It's counter productive, it's stupid, and I'm aware of all of this. (See previous.) I also know why I do it. (Again.) But I haven't figured out how to uncross the wires yet, or even if I want to uncross the wires. Choosing something I need to forgive myself for was not something that magically popped into my head. I read Joelle's post yesterday and wanted to just hug her tightly. And thinking about it in the elevator, on the way to my car to go home, something popped into my head and tears immediately sprung to, and out of my eyes. I knew it was the thing.

I need to forgive myself for Beltane's death. I still haven't come to terms with it and I don't know that I ever will. I still feel like it's my fault and that I failed him. He was 11 which isn't old at all in comparison to my 19 year old cat that I lost a few years earlier.

I still feel like bringing the first batch of foster kitties into the house brought whatever killed Bel into the house as well. They'd all had their shots and such, but it's the only real change in routine that I can see. And as he got sicker, I should have been more insistent with the vet, should have made him run more tests, earlier. I should have been more diligent with everything. I shouldn't have exposed him to whatever killed him. I should have known that he was sick way before I really realised it. I should have saved him. He depended on me and I failed him.  His death is on me and that's something I can't forgive myself for yet because I still miss him so much my heart aches.