cheese and crackers
November 3, 2011 at 5:00 PM I started back to work yesterday. Everyone at work has been lovely. All day, people asked if I was doing whole days or halves. It never occurred to me to do anything but the full 8 hours. Back to work means back to work; work means 8 hours, 9 if you count the lunch hour. I figured since I've been able to be awake for longer than that without naps or collapsing, I'll be fine at work. I forgot how exhausting it can be to be "on" for that many hours in a row. I'm quickly remembering. It's day two and my neck is aching, my shoulders are stiff, and my brain is goo. Last night, I ate cheese and crackers for dinner because the thought of cooking (like I'd planned to do) was making me want to pass out. To be fair, the cheese and crackers were delicious.
Today, I'm more exhausted than I was yesterday. If I can make it through "Bones" tonight, I plan on being in bed directly after, around 8pm. I hope this helps me make it through tomorrow. I don't think it's fair to the kitties, as I won't have a whole lot of time to love on all of them before I'm unconscious again, but they'll have to make do.
It's frustrating. I know that I probably won't ever be back to how I was BC* but I didn't expect to be this exhausted for this long. I feel like my body is fucking with me; I don't feel sick, I don't look sick. It's not fair that I'm this tired still.
I'm going to see how I feel this weekend. If this is cumulative and I want to sleep through the weekend, I'll know that I need to scale back my hours for a while. I'm worried people will think I'm milking it. I know that's ridiculous but it goes back to not looking sick, etc. I don't know if I need a doctor's release to do part time or if I'll still qualify for benefits (which I need, obviously), or how they'll respond if I need to leave earlier in the afternoon. The idea of having to go up there and ask makes my head spin. More than it is already from being so goddamn tired.
*Before Cancer
blah blah blah, cancer, whine
Reader Comments (3)
I can give you a manager perspective on this one:
No one will think you're milking it. If someone on my team were out kicking cancer's ass and then tried to come back full-time right away, I'd probably ask her to reconsider it. Everyone will know that you're trying. Cancer isn't the flu - you can have it and look completely healthy. I know, because my stepfather has been in stage 4 for over a decade (I know, it's miraculous that he's stage 4 and still rockin') and looks amazing...healthy, active and thriving. But the cancer is still there...we all know it and he monitors it with blood tests quarterly (the monthly ones had us all on pins and needles all the time, so he chose to cut it back so he could feel less like a patient, and the docs assured us that quarterly would be fine)
Your body needs time to heal. It's not just recovering from the cancer, but from the treatment from the cancer. The treatment can be harder on the body than the disease...I'm sure they told you that. It's a big deal, babe. Please don't minimize it.
I'd just be straight up with my boss, tell him or her that you want to be back full-force, but that you need to take it a day at a time right now while you're recovering. Ask if he/she needs a doctor's note for the record...you for sure can get one. But you've done good work there and I'm sure your supervisor/company will understand if you need to take it slow.
Never doubt the body's ability to be resilient. It's a magnificent machine. I really believe in time, you'll get your zing back. Just don't expect so much of yourself so soon! Take care of you...
I agree with Serena. From a legal perspective, your employer is only federally mandated to provide you with FMLA - 12 collective weeks in a one year period, unpaid, but that can be taken intermittently. I'm assuming you used that all at once. Which leaves you to your employers policies. If you want help, let me know and I'll happily wade through it with you.
Thank you Serena and April for those kind words for my girl. Sometimes it's better to hear it from a friend - a mom is always saying stuff like that. I'm sure you're right - I saw Ms. Pants go through all these treatments and they were tough. She'll be back - she just needs to give herself a little time. (and some of Mamma Pants' new soup concoction)