coffee spoons
May 12, 2011 at 12:44 PM Over the weekend, Mama Pants made the observation that along with another friend of hers (who has a couple years on me, but only a couple), I'm pretty settled in my life. I'm coming to realise that I am. I am settled because I have settled. And I fucking hate it. No offense meant to my mother--she's not inside my brain and couldn't possibly know the fuckery that goes on up there. I'm also very good at putting on face.
Talking with PB last night, it's just becoming more and more obvious that I feel stuck where I am, that I'm spinning my wheels, and that I've dug myself into a giant hole of shit that I'm not sure how to escape. I'm underemployed but don't really know how to remedy that problem. Admin work will always be underemployment, but art doesn't bring in suitable paychecks. My resume is pretty much all admin related. Changing industry means starting over in paygrade, which is something I cannot afford to do.
I'm taking steps to remedy my situations but it doesn't help the feelings that accompany everything. I feel like I've fucked up everything. And that because I've fucked up everything, I'm worthless and undeserving of anything. Reasonable? No. Emotion isn't rational; I'm ruled by emotion and therefore not necessarily rational when it comes to feelings. They're there, they suck, they're usurping every ounce of energy I have.
Reader Comments (4)
I wish I had a brilliant answer for you, but stuck CAN and DOES turn into not stuck if you keep working on it. Hang in there!
But you have not settled. You have a dream and you are working on making that happen. Plus you adopt beautiful babies that really need you. That isn't settling that is more meaningful than you know.
Sarah - I too have done admin work all of my career (15 years) and there was a time when I felt undervalued & unchallenged and felt like I had failed myself in terms of my career. I mean, really, I went to college to format documents, create spreadsheets & mail shit out?
Than I got a boost in my photography and was able to start freelancing and you know what? Now I am glad I am *just* an admin because I can leave work at 5pm and and I can have my weekends and evenings to work on my photography business. My day job may not be the most exciting or rewarding but because it is relatively stress-free and I don't have to deal with work after hours and deal with personnel issues or budget issues or all that nonsense, I can pay attention to the hobby I love and make it into a nice side business that is helping me pay down my credit card debt AND giving me the extra money to go on vacation as well.
So maybe re-visit how you feel about your job and see if you can find any opportunities it gives you *outside* of the office because of it. That's what I did and I've come to peace with the fact that I won't ever have that corner office with the great view and my own assistant & am actually a bit relieved about that.
While I don't think administrative work is all you are capable of by any means, there is a BIG truth to looking at what you do as "helping people." You help people. People who help others are absolutely essential, valuable and necessary.
When I was in retail and later in retail management, I did not say, "I sell (fill in the blank...I worked so many places)." I knew that I was helping make my customers' lives easier by assisting them to get what they needed easily and quickly and plesantly. I knew I was the best boss some of my employees would ever have, and that by treating them with respect and honoring their schedule requests, I was making their lives better and easier.
You help people and I can only imagine you are a joy to work with, and brightening the lives of others with your goodness is a truly special thing.
So, you are not all you are meant to be. Yet. And that is not a bad thing. We all go through seasons of accelerate, pause, accelerate, pause. As long as the pauses are positive, they are nothing to be ashamed of.