February 21, 2012 at 4:32 PM My first post has gone live on the CancerWise blog!
It's gotten good responses via facebook (which I'll check from home--is blocked at work, and yes, I have a FB shutupit'sallJaime'sfault) and a really lovely compliment via email.
cancer, cancerwise.org, m.d. anderson January 27, 2012 at 2:20 PM Scale Survey Says: 5 pounds (Total: 6.4 pounds)
Well lookie there--it works! Okay, I knew that. I didn't expect five pounds for sure, but I'm quite happy with it! I know I won't always get big weeks like that--it might be my only real big week, even. It's enough to give me a boost in confidence though and I will take that and run with it! I lost a daily point (33 now, instead of 34) but so far, hunger hasn't really been an issue so I don't think I'll miss that point. Plus, I barely dipped into my "Weekly Points" (which are weird, spare points that you can use if you have eaten all your points for the day and still are hungry, or if you're eating out or whatever--I think they're the craving points) and when I did, it was last night and I ate fewer than 5 of 49 points.
In other news, I have hooked up with a social media guru at MD Anderson and have signed on to write some blog-style posts/pieces about my experience with cancer. They'll eventually appear on the CancerWise.org website. I've got a list of things I want to write about (as it's proving to be good therapy) but I'd also love to hear requests. Anyone got something you'd want me to write about? Nothing's really too taboo (C'mon--y'all know me by now!!) and I'd love to hear what people would like to read about in addition to what I've already put down in my little idea book. I won't be changing my writing style much--they like that I'm candid and not stuffy. I'll have to tone down the cussing of course, but I am a creative girl and don't see a problem with that. Plus, the guru I've been emailing with has already read this site, so she knows I've got a sailor's filthy mouth; it's not like I've got to hide that side of me, just choose different words for their site. I'll also have to edit my rambling into shorter posts. That was a given too. Blah blah blah.....
My weekends are going to start dwindling soon. This is going to be one of my last before April, I think. I've got a list of things to do that's longer than my leg. I'm short but I write small, so that's a long list. I may not even get half of it finished but there are a few key things that must be done this weekend. I've become a lot better at not getting frustrated by half-completed lists. It's great to swipe out all the things on the page, but I recognise my tendency to go a little nutso when making lists. (i.e. LIST ALL THE THINGS!!) I've also started doing things on the list after work. Thanks for the suggestions for organisation--the 15 minutes here, 15 minutes there helps a lot. Also, not sitting down. And the thing that really has helped this week: my cable going out.
Yeah, I have no cable right now. Just the local channels. Local programming is really bad y'all. And flipping (I'm a channel flipper--ADD--look, a butterfly!) is far less satisfying when I have only channels 2 through 13 to flip through and more than half of those are in Spanish. I guess my cable company did a switchy thinger so now I need one of their cable conversion boxes. Similar to the one everyone did a year or two ago. The box is free and has been sent to my house--just waiting for it to arrive. In the meantime, no Bravo, no E Network, no VH1, no A&E.... It seriously limits television watching, which aided me in getting things done. I'm considering ponying up for a DVR through my cable company. It would also help with getting things done. And also, being a lazy butt when that's preferable. Plus, I want to be able to record all the gymnastics this summer.
I've been sketching a bit at night. Some from books of poses that I have, some from poses in my head. I haven't been doing the photo-realism drawing for those, just quick, gestural sketches meant to flesh out what I'm trying to convey at the moment. I don't need these to be perfect. I'm looking for ways (and finding them) to quickly scribble out what I'd like to work on for a final product. Drafting, I guess. It's nice to know that I can quickly scribble things that make sense to me. It may just look like a messy stick figure to someone else, but I know it's the base for a more detailed drawing that is to come later. The people are easier than the things. I am still being mocked by a pair of pants I'm trying to get right. Go figure.
cancer, diet, mundania, weighty matters, writing December 29, 2011 at 10:58 AM I got the unofficial results of my PET scan from last Monday. (Official ones come in 1/11.)
N.E.D.
No Evidence of Disease!!
(I'm totally bawling.)
November 17, 2011 at 4:57 PM I thought a lot about this over the summer and while I process all the emotional crap I pushed off during that time, the thought is resurfacing. I'm glad it was me that got cancer. I know this sounds like an insane statement off the cuff, but pay attention. I didn't say that I'm glad I got cancer. I am glad it was me that got cancer. There's a big difference.
The summer was difficult, there's no doubt about it. It sucked. However, in thinking about it all, as a whole, with the benefit of hindsight, I'm in awe of how relatively neatly it all unfolded. I know that I'm a lucky gal. (Better lucky than good!) I'm so thankful for the luck that befell me this past summer.
Mama Pants was able to be at the diagnosis appointment with me, even though I only gave her an hour or two of notice, even though my nephews were in town. She has experience in the medical field and was able to listen to the doctor after I went numb from hearing the word "cancer," and she was able to read the copy of the labs he gave her. Since she's retired and my father is doing short weeks, they were both able to go to my subsequent appointments with me. Their house was big enough that I'd have a room to recover in after my surgery. I never had to drive myself to an appointment--someone was always there to drive me so that I could nap on the way to and from as the fatigue set in. If I couldn't muster the strength to cook, I still ate because one of my parents made sure of it. My insurance turns out to be rather amazing and has covered the majority of my treatment. Because I opted to put a large amount into my flexible spending account, most of what was not covered by insurance was covered by my flexible spending account. Disability paid far more than I could have expected--enough to cover my bills so that I didn't have to rely on my parents' bank accounts to see me through. (The renovation is a whole other story--but hello, that's amazing in itself too!) My five cats were able to spend the entire summer with me, and I with them. My best friend was able to come out for over two weeks. I went through enough therapy in the years prior that my frame of mind was much more capable to handle the difficulty of the situation than it would have been ten years ago. I never, not once, not then and not now, felt alone during the experience.
Everything, aside from the diagnosis itself, was relatively in my favour. The support system that I'm so lucky to have got me through it. The insurance I'm lucky to have paid for it. My own emotional hard work in the last few years afforded me the mental strength to push through it. As far as set ups go, it was better for me to get the cancer than it would have been for any of my friends. I'm thankful for that.
A quick search informs me that roughly 1 of every 2 men, and 1 of every 3 women in America will get cancer at some point in their lives. That's a little staggering to take in. I know, with those statistics, that it's unlikely that the disease will leave my friends and family untouched for the rest of my life, but for this summer, I'm glad it was me and not any of my friends or family.
November 3, 2011 at 5:00 PM I started back to work yesterday. Everyone at work has been lovely. All day, people asked if I was doing whole days or halves. It never occurred to me to do anything but the full 8 hours. Back to work means back to work; work means 8 hours, 9 if you count the lunch hour. I figured since I've been able to be awake for longer than that without naps or collapsing, I'll be fine at work. I forgot how exhausting it can be to be "on" for that many hours in a row. I'm quickly remembering. It's day two and my neck is aching, my shoulders are stiff, and my brain is goo. Last night, I ate cheese and crackers for dinner because the thought of cooking (like I'd planned to do) was making me want to pass out. To be fair, the cheese and crackers were delicious.
Today, I'm more exhausted than I was yesterday. If I can make it through "Bones" tonight, I plan on being in bed directly after, around 8pm. I hope this helps me make it through tomorrow. I don't think it's fair to the kitties, as I won't have a whole lot of time to love on all of them before I'm unconscious again, but they'll have to make do.
It's frustrating. I know that I probably won't ever be back to how I was BC* but I didn't expect to be this exhausted for this long. I feel like my body is fucking with me; I don't feel sick, I don't look sick. It's not fair that I'm this tired still.
I'm going to see how I feel this weekend. If this is cumulative and I want to sleep through the weekend, I'll know that I need to scale back my hours for a while. I'm worried people will think I'm milking it. I know that's ridiculous but it goes back to not looking sick, etc. I don't know if I need a doctor's release to do part time or if I'll still qualify for benefits (which I need, obviously), or how they'll respond if I need to leave earlier in the afternoon. The idea of having to go up there and ask makes my head spin. More than it is already from being so goddamn tired.
*Before Cancer
blah blah blah, cancer, whine